…This piece was written about four years ago but is one that has a very special place in my heart, as I can still feel what I felt as I wrote these words. I now only speak to two of my children, by their choice. The other two have moved on without wanting me in their lives, and now, as adults, the decision is theirs. I hope you enjoy the piece.
———————————–
The sounds of summer are coming to an end. No longer can I hear children laughing and playing in the neighborhood. Even the wind has changed, as there is now a bite in the air instead of the soft, summer breeze blowing through my hair. I can hear the bustling of the neighborhood and feel the crunch of freshly fallen leaves beneath my feet as I walk along this broken road. Everyone is getting ready to sit down with their families for dinner, and this is one of my favorite parts of the day.
With every step I take, though, I try and push away the sadness welling up inside of me, as inevitably comes with hearing families reminiscing with each other during this special time of the day. I hear loved ones conversing with one another, discussing all of the activities of the day. I hear eating utensils scratching dinner plates, and hear water running, indicating people are either enjoying their meals or are cleaning their kitchens up after finishing. It brings with it a sense of nostalgia, a bit of familiarity with it all.
I wonder what they’re doing. I wonder where they are. When they’re not here, it feels like I am missing an appendage. Not an arm or a leg, more like a vital organ. Living without my children turned me into some sort of skeletal being, just focusing on not becoming broken without them. I can feel them getting older by the minute, and long to be near them to experience life with them. I can see them blossoming into the wonderful people they are and who they are yet to become.
I have much to be thankful for, as I have four beautiful, healthy children. Yet Judge Davis’ decision years ago changed all of our worlds. I no longer had the opportunity to spend every day with my children, and, from then on, I had to abide by the court’s decision to have them for limited periods of time. I didn’t consider parenting every other weekend as parenting at all; it was less than the time my kids used to spend in day care when I was working. Hard to admit at the time, I’m at peace the judge had sided with my ex-husband, with regard to custody.
I had just experienced my lowest of lows at the time of our custody battle and was in a very dark place. I had tried and failed miserably to pull myself out of it; it took a very long five years to recover from what it was I’d experienced. My doctors all diagnosed me as mentally ill, bipolar, specifically. I think it was more a complete nervous breakdown. Nonetheless, I take the medication I’m prescribed, so things remain stable, something completely necessary in my role as a parent and for myself.
Yet here we are, years later, and I still miss my children each and every moment of every day. Right now, I should be sitting down at the table, assisting them with their homework. My decision to return to school may be looked at by some to be selfish but was based on what was in their best interest. A successfully educated, employed mother is much better than one who is not.
My children and I each have unbreakable relationships; from my thirteen- year- old son on up to my 21-year-old son. There is such a strong pull between us, I thank the good Lord above with blessing me so completely.
Dogs are barking, trees are whispering, the wind is whistling, and cars are whirring by in the distance. I take it all in on this beautiful autumn evening. For this is what my life is these days, experiencing the here-and-now, while anticipating the future. For me, my past, present and future is all about my children. From the healthy little bundles of joy I gave birth to in the hospital, to the fine young people they’ve become, I’ve always been blessed to be a part of their journeys in this life. The decisions I’ve had to make in the past have always been based on what’s best for them.
For right now, we are doing what we must to maintain and focus on the task(s) at hand. The children each strive to do well in school, as do I. My husband and I both have to focus while we’re at work, yet be able to enjoy our downtime, as well. It’s all about balance and perspective. Instead of focusing on what we’re missing, or what we can’t attain today, we just have to put our energies into improving our lives today, for both the short and long term.
Our children were meant to be with us, as that’s what parenting entails. Parents don’t get a day off, they call in sick when their child is ill, and they run themselves ragged just by trying to keep up with them. We get to be their biggest cheerleaders and pick them up when they fall. We help to convince them they’re invincible, because they are. We show them our mistakes and hope they learn from them, and we give them the support they need to become better people than we could ever be. We attempt to fix their broken hearts, make them giggle when they need it, and reassure them they are loved at every opportunity. We help them when they struggle and are amazed by their capabilities.
And we get to watch it all unfold. We have the best seat in the house. We have tickets to a sold-out show. We get to experience their lives with them, and it is one of the best gifts of all. And tonight, as I kick rocks down the side of the road, I relish in the fact that I am not sad. I do not feel defeated by anything, as I know my kids can feel me with them. I miss them terribly, but use the time when we are apart to make my own self a better person. I feel stronger than I have in years, am happier than I’ve ever been, and look to the future as endless opportunities. I take another deep breath and walk a little faster, as another key for me is to just keep moving. I contemplate when I will contact the court to again fight for custody, and feel good in knowing I have (both figuratively and literally) two strong legs to stand on now. I feel better than I have in my whole lifetime and know the next step will be a big one. But, just as sure as I am to take this next big step, I know it is in all of our best interest. I thank their father for being a parent when I was unable to, but question his judgment in a lot of what he’s decided upon. Being a responsible parent means more than just being able to afford them, it is about having compassion and showing them love, as well.
I zip up my sweatshirt as I continue along down the road, watching carefully for pieces of abstract concrete that have come loose in the road. Most of the porch lights have now come on in the village where we live, and I know I must turn back for home or I’ll be walking in the dark. I can’t wait to get home and see my husband; he is my biggest fan, and I am his. We know how blessed we are each and every day, and try to savor every day even more than the last. We sit down to eat our (late) dinner of the fresh perch and walleye he caught just this evening, and say our evening blessing. We thank Him for the food, and in watching over us. We thank Him for another day together, and ask that He watch over our children in all that they do, and He does. Each and every day that happens after the next is a true gift, and we feel truly blessed.
The day will come when I am able to once again be a full-time parent, but for right now, I am doing all I can do to achieve that. Knowing that my children feel loved and are cared for are what’s most important. So, I enhance my day and call each of them. I tell them how much I love them and miss them, and listen to the stories of their day. I have two of them who are not “telephone people,” so that is a challenge, but I still want them to know I’m here. Thank God for social media in trying to keep up with my two eldest sons, as they are busier in their lives now more than ever.
I turn into the driveway and smile to myself, enjoying the fact that we are so lucky. I eagerly approach the front door of our home and turn the knob. For behind it, I know will be my husband. He asks me how my walk was, and I don’t even have to explain what I was thinking about, as he can always tell. He encourages me to stay positive, and reminds me of all we are trying to conquer. I know he will fight in my corner for my kids and I, while being the best support system I’ve ever had. It is great knowing I have a partner in life who is there for me so completely, that knows where I’m at emotionally, without my having to say a word.
Summer may be coming to an end, but I have a refreshed outlook on things. School has started just weeks ago, and it always brings with it a sense of “newness.” I know I can now spend my free time in beginning to scrapbook the many photos of our family adventures from the last few months, as unless I’m at work, the downtime is the worst for me. But this is only temporary, I know, for our future is brightly laid out in front of us.
