We didn’t know what it would look like for us, “life after.” It’s just not something you can predict or know, it’s just an experience one has to go grow through.
For me, it was very dark and very loud for a long time. It was a drum beat, an intense vocal or a guitar riff, but the music was raging in my ears for 18 months. Coursing through my veins like hot, thick blood.
All I would hear when we got here, would be the stream of the raindrops. Sometimes deafening and other times a gentle, steady flow. My personal favorite is the ‘sheet’ rain, the unique steadiness in the flow reminds me to keep other aspects of my life that way.
Send a message, tell them why I love them. Tell them why it’s so important they understand some of my actions, but more than importantly, listen to their words. I know I’ve asked before, but please tell me again. I am listening. I am present. I’m sorry that I hadn’t known how to do that before. I am still learning. I am still doing the work. I had given up. And I’m so sorry.
In my mind, it was justifiable to do what I did. Yet my mind was not mine at the time and I have no excuses. Intentions and actions are not the same.
I couldn’t breathe, as my lungs adjusted to the clean, mountain air upon our arrival. We arrived on the late, Sunday night flight from Seattle. Before we got to SeaTac, I’d listened to several week’s worth of “self help” podcasts. The titles were similar to “How to not be an IDIOT in life: true story.” I knew I was going to need something a bit harsher and stronger than that. I needed to leave behind everything. I needed to reprogram my brain ~ I needed to heal. I needed to cry, mourn and sing. I needed to mourn. I needed to feel what I hadn’t been feeling, which was anything but the party.
I’ve heard before that if you’re “trying,” you’re not “doing.” To that, I strongly oppose and feel it is an extremely inaccurate statement. Some “do and do and do.” And in my life, it has always started by trying, first. This is a game, even though people can’t agree on that. I am staying the course, doing the work I need to. I remember this feeling from before the pandemic and it feels good. All we are giving is all we have, all in.
Every day the skies are grey in SE Alaska, I am blessed for another day on this planet. I think HIM for the gift that it is and try to DO BETTER today. Better than yesterday, better than last week, better than I give myself credit for.
I am still healing, but aren’t we all healing from something? I’m trying to forgive myself but it’s hard when no one agrees. I’ve got my negative inner voice where I can’t hear her much these days. She still pipes up from time to time, but I drown her out with happy tunes.
I’ve got radio silence from them, but I’m blessed they are well, hopeful that won’t last forever. From the inside out and down again, this has been pain. Guttural, ‘grab a pillow and scream’ kinda pain. I want them to have peace, not ever hurt at my expense or because of anything I do or say.
Today was okay, I didn’t use. Tomorrow will be better because I won’t use, either. I love my family, hope to find a job that allows me to live a comfortable life and take it all in. I want to grow old with my hubby and dogs and I want everyone I love to feel that love from me every day for the rest of their lives.
